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- Don't like my attitude? Call 1800-KISS-MY-ASS
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes
- Unite against togetherness!
- Reality Sucks! I’m Gonna Keep On Dreamin
- If your name was homework, I'd be doing you on my desk right now...
- No fear! (NAME) is here!
- I Don’t Like The Drugs, But The Drugs Like Me
- Life's a bitch. Be its pimp
- I'm better than normal, I'm abnormal!
- A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts
- Save a tree, eat a beaver
- By the time you read this, you've already read it
- Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
- Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it a hundred times
- I don't curse, drink and smoke. H*ly shit! My cigarette fell in my glass of beer!
- Dont steal, the government hates competition
- If you hate me, i love you too. It ain't my fault i'm better than you
- Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
- Save a horse, ride a Cowboy!
- The higher you are, the farther you fall
- Intelligence could be instinct which has it at the wrong end
- When life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and the salt!
- What is arrogance? Thinking you can compete with me!
- I’ve lost my phone number, can I have yours?
- Not me, not now, maybe later...
- Life's a beach... Surf it up!
- Trying is the first step towards failure
- I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot
- If it is tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
- Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but milk do?
- Smile and the world smiles with you. Fart and you stand alone
- I'm more drunk than a three-legged chicken on a wet patch of ice!
- When I'm good I'm very good but when I'm bad I'm better
- To alcohol! The cause of and solution to all life's problems
- WaNnA PLaY ArMy?? ... Ok! SiT BaCk AnD i'LL BLoW ThE HeLL OuT oF YoU!
- I avoid temptation unless I can't resist it
- I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours
- Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- There are no stupid questions, just stupid people
- Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
- When cows laugh, does milk come out of their nose?
- Gravity always wins
- The easiest way to avoid a hangover is to just stay drunk
- There are some that are wise and others that are otherwise
- I'm not an alcoholic. I am a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings
- Buy land, they have quit making it!
- Don't judge a man by his boxers, it's what's inside that counts
- I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it
- Eat healthy, exercise more, still die
- Politicians prefer unarmed peasants
- Time is what keeps things from happening all at once
- Women/Men who seek to be equal with men/women lack ambition
- What happens if you get scared half to death... twice?
- Smile, it makes people wonder what you're up too..
- Opinions are like assholes... Everyone's got one, and they stink
- Sometimes I wish I were you, just so I could be friends with me
- Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most
- If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws
- I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun
- Children in the dark cause accidents. Accidents in the dark cause children
- Oh my god, you killed Kenny!
- Panties aren't a mans best friend, but they are next to it
- Statistics are used by people who have no proof
- Divorce: from the Latin word meaning "to rip a man's heart out through his wallet
- You'll never get rid of a bad temper by losing it!
- If you act crazy all your life, they'll never be able to commit you
- In the land of the skunks he who has half a nose is king
- Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop
- I like to con and insult people, that's why I chose to become a Consultant
- Mental Health is overrated
- Be The Change You Wish To See
- All generalizations are false
- A clean dwelling place is the sign of a disturbed mind
- This isn't school! This is Hell with flourecent lighting
- The funny thing about Common sense is that it's not very common
- Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense
- Next week there can't be any crisis. My schedule is full already
- War does not determine who is right... but who is left
- If you are drinking to forget, pay in advance
- If at first you do not succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried
- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing
- In the event of an emergency landing why do the people in the pamflet look so calm?
- I can't wait to see how you look when I'm naked
- Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights do make a left
- 3 words to ruin a guys ego..is it in??
- You can better lose a lover than love a loser
- I'm only crazy when other people cant stand that I'm right
- Women/Men are like public toilets, they are either taken or full of shit
- Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one
- Work harder: People on welfare depend on you
- Me breaking the rules? No. I test their elasticity
- Be back later...my dog ate my car keys....we are hitchhiking to the vet's office
- We came, we saw, we drank beer
- Geniuses are never understood in their own lifetimes
- You can trust the government, just ask the Indians
- Be nice to your children. For they will be choosing your nursing home someday
- Don't drink and drive. You might spill your beer
- Save water, drink beer
- Everybody makes mistakes, thats why they put erasers on pencils
- Mom + Dad + beer - condom = me
- People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do
- Conserve water, drink beer
- The rich get richer and the poor get children
- Don't breed them if you can't feed them
- Drugs cause amnesia, and other things I can't remember
- Harrasing me about my smoking may be hazardous to your health!
- Marriage is not like war: You sleep with the enemy
- Don't lead me to temptation... I can find it by myself
- A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge
- The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else
- Bad Spellers Untie!
- You must master your joystick, as a fisherman masters bait
- Those who know do not say, those who say do not know
- The road to success is always under construction
- I'm looking forward to regretting this
- 'Pessimist' is a word used by optimists to describe someone who sees the world for what it really is
- Alcohol releases the inner retard in all of us...
- Life is like a pack of chewing-gum; I've yet to figure out why
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